We have had some complaints recently about our drone program here at the C.I.A. and I need to address them with the staff. We appreciate the hard work and long days that you all spend defending America and our way of life. I know the life of a drone operator is tough and most of you are doing a bang up job out there taking out those that oppose the values and freedoms of this great country. To everyone doing their jobs please ignore this memo and keep up the good work. Those of you abusing the wonderful technology meant to help the rest of the world enjoy our freedoms will be dealt with swiftly and with extreme prejudice.
First of all Ken we know you are using a drone to spy on your ex wife. How you thought we wouldn’t notice is beyond me. Our best minds have built these drones to survey and execute those who work against freedom not to keep an eye on your ex wife and her new husband. Our records show that Ken has been tracking them on the weekends and routing the feed to his home computer. The idea of you sitting in a studio apartment in Fredericksburg watching your wife and her new husband take your kids to soccer games breaks my heart. However it’s against the law to use these things to just spy on people you don’t like. You can’t just do what you want with these things there are policies and procedures that must be followed. What kind of world would it be if anybody could just use this technology however they wanted?
Sarah we know that you have used a drone to spy on the filming of Thor 2. This is weird and sad on a couple of levels. What do you hope to gain from this? Are you really that concerned with what is going to happen in Thor 2? Did you really like the first Thor that much? We should really sit down and talk about the kind of media you consume. Also I believe that Thor was filming in England? Are you trying to cause some sort of international incident with our friends across the pond? And for what? So you can see what Natalie Portman is up to? Sarah, I am disappointed in you. Most of all I am disappointed that they are making another Thor movie.
Alan are you really using the drone to pick up drive thru Taco Bell? How does that even work? Part of me is incredibly impressed that you can get the drone to hover in the drive through and that you can get your taco’s back here in one piece? However some of our technicians have found trace amounts of sour cream in the drones. Sour cream is bad for the drones no two ways about it Alan. And if you are going to order Taco Bell would it kill you to get enough for the whole team? I think this is one of those “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” situations. You know how much I love a mexican pizza.
As you can see the above abuses of power are completely out of line. We can’t just use these tools of freedom however we want. You have to follow the rules and there has to be some sort of oversight. We built these drones to punish the kinds of people that don’t believe in our way of life not to get a six pack of Tacos Locos. And for the record Alan never order cool ranch, that’s gross. So please, don’t abuse what we have here. We are the C.I.A. and we are supposed to be professionals. If you want to fuck around all day and spy on your family and friends please head over to the IRS.
Keep it sneaky,
Edward G. Douglas
Assistant to the Director of Automated Intelligence
Dear Mom and Dad,
I am tired of living my life for you. I am tired of trying to be the person you want me to be. I am determined to find myself and be the person I want to be. I just want to be Jerry. I can no longer be a part of the family business. I am hanging up my top hat, tuxedo, and will no longer be The Amazing Jerry. I cannot be a magician another minute. My love for the craft of magic has for lack of a better word, disappeared.
Most children are able to discover magic on their own terms. They see a special, they get one of those tiny magic kits from a shop in an amusement park. I guess these days they learn tricks from youtube. However, you forced me from a young age to practice my tricks. To practice your tricks. The son of a magician and his assistant that was destined to grow up to be a magician it was too good of a story for you two. Amazing Eric, his wife, and their son performing magic together? Dad made that poster instead of sending out a birth announcement. You two couldn’t wait to saw me in half as people cheered.
At first I loved being a child surrounded by magic. Who wouldn’t? What kid wouldn’t want 20 pet bunnies? But they weren’t ever really pets were they, Dad? There is nothing amazing about having your dad break the neck of all your pets because he is trying to learn a new trick. I don’t think our neighbors ever had a golden retriever drown because their dad couldn’t break out of a giant fish tank. All my birds? Dead. The worst part? Mom’s insistence that we couldn’t waste the them. Call it Lapin a la Cocotte but I always knew what we were eating. There isn’t a family in the world that ate as much squab as we did growing up. That may have been one of your greatest tricks. Your ability to fool yourself into thinking this was all normal.
Most kids get to play soccer or baseball. I was forced to practice making coins and cards disappear. Though I doubt any kid enjoys back to school shopping, few have to waste a whole weekend being sized up several different tuxedos, top hats, and tails. I didn’t own a shirt without ruffles till I was in my 20’s. You both refused to let me find myself and be my own person. Day after day of practicing my water espaces. Holding my breath until I pass out so that I could be locked in milk jug? That seems like it borders on child abuse. But hey, at least I know how to escape if I was ever trapped at a dairy farm.
One of the biggest reason I want to stop? I have never had a girlfriend. I was locked away from the rest of the world. We travelled around so much that I never even had friends growing up. The life of a magician is itinerant at best. We were well dressed hobos. I couldn’t ever be around someone long enough to get to know them. I could talk to one thousand people but I couldn’t ever talk to just one. At no point in my life did you ever ask me what I wanted to do. You only worried about how I fit into the act. I have spent more time packed in a train car with an elephant than I ever had with someone my own age. You made my childhood disappear.
Poof I am gone.
-(Formerly) Amazing Jerry.
Your mother and I got your email the other day. Though we have always tried to support you I don’t think we can help you this time. You are 33 the same age as Christ was at the end of his life. I think it is time to put an end to your scheming and maybe get a job. Having said that I do have to commend you though for your latest plan. However clever I find the idea I regretfully must let you know that your mother and I will not be contributing to your Kickstarter. Though I do have some questions.
What exactly are you kickstarting? I have looked through the web page and though you seem to hint at some sort of art project there doesn’t actually seem to be anything there. Parsing the language it seems that you want the people donating to your kickstarter to help cover your rent and pay down your credit cards. Is this correct? Initially I was taken aback by your email and wondered who you hoped to fool. But looking at the page it seems that over a dozen people have already donated. Who are these saps?
Having seen your hubris at play in the past I was couldn’t help but chuckle at the video you included in your kickstarter. Your pleas for people to help you grow your art and support the arts is completely ridiculous. You aren’t an artist. I have a dozen 30 year old finger paintings that confirm that. So for you to even pretend to be some sort of bohemian is a joke. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that you are an artist in one sense. You paint with bullshit. You always have and I guess you always will. So in a round about way someone donating to your kickstarter I guess does actually support your art. But I doubt you’re smart enough to look at it that way.
Can I ask about the prizes? $10 gets a personal phone call from Becky? I looked over the bill for the cell phone we pay for and over the last year and it seems that you called home four times. So do I owe you $40? I would prefer that over the $75K in student loans that we took out so that you could go to school to learn how to be an interior designer. I can’t believe it costs $75K to learn how to move a couch. The next few tiers are rather boring. But the $150 plateau is interesting. For $150 someone gets the right to take you out to Thai food and a movie. So you don’t even pay? Wow. Sweetheart, there is a word for this. And the fact that you have 20 of these prizes available is a little disconcerting. Are you one of those girls on Craig’s list? I guess I have only myself to blame.
For $1000 I can have the artist live with me for a summer. Well. That is a treat. I owe you $33K based on that model. I don’t understand. Are you implying that living with you is some kind of prize? I found a pinky once in a box of Cracker Jacks when I was a kid. It was horrifying. Comparing one prize to the other I would take the pinky in the box before letting you live with me again. In fact I would pay you $2000 if you promised to never move home again.
I know I am your father and I am supposed to support everything you do. Financially I am completely tapped out. I couldn’t give you another nickel if I wanted to. Emotionally I am exhausted after supporting you for 33 years. Sometimes you have to realize that you need to cut bait. So I hope that by finally cutting you off maybe I can metaphorically kickstart your life. By the time I was your age I owned a house, had a wife, a daughter, and had fought in Southeast Asia. At 33 you are scamming people out of money on the internet, you have a cat (that your mother and I look after), you haven’t had health insurance in ten years. Having said all that there is still a part of me that is incredibly impressed with the length you have gone to with this fake kickstarter.
Dear Content Partners,
It’s just your good buddy Dan the man CEO from BuzzBeast dot Com checking in with all our esteemed content partners. We couldn’t light the internet on fire every day without you. We rely on your hard work and constant content to update our site. Our fans come to BuzzBeast every day for fresh content and you guys never disappoint. For years you have provided us with the videos, photos, articles, and memes that we need to go viral each and everyday. In return we have always provided you with the exposure you gain by being associated with the BuzzBeast Brand. Recently word has reached us that some of you have some complaints. I would like to address a few of them.
WE WILL NEVER PAY YOU. You think you deserve to make money based on creating things? You think that someone who makes a thing should be paid? What the fuck did you do? We made a website. We book banner ads and manage SEO. How do you think people find your dumb little videos. The only reason any of this works is because we understand Search Engine Optimization. We do the things that make the internet work. You dopes make cat videos and write articles about reality shows. You are all replaceable. We draw the eyes and get the dollars. I don’t know when you retards got the idea that just because you create content that you deserve money.
Our job is to get you the BuzzBeast exposure and then thanks to the content deals we signed you to, allow you to get a higher profile job. It’s in our best interest to get you a higher profile gig thanks to the contract you all signed when you worked for BuzzBeast. As you know we are entitled to 75% of all your future earnings. We gave you that break and we deserve to keep a piece of your future earnings. Without us you wouldn’t have a future. You would be stuck tweeting or tumbling or the whatever the fuck else is going on out there. Good fucking luck. You should write me an email each and every single day thanking me for plucking you from obscurity. I MADE YOU.
Now that money is out of the way. Can we talk about your content? Would it kill you guys to make things that could be more viral? When you finish a video, a post, a meme, ask yourself IS THIS VIRAL? We need it to go viral. You want to know what viral is? The three P’s. They are:
Pets – Is there a cat kissing a bulldog? Is there a bird saying Obama? Pets in costumes? Come on people this shit writes itself.
Pop Culture – Teen Moms. Justin Timberbieber or whatever. BEYONCE for fucks sake.
Pussy – Sex always sells. And it’s your job to give us the sex to sell.
Spend all the time you want crafting your perfect little bit of comedy. IT DOES NOT MATTER. If you didn’t have one of the three P’s in it I can’t sell it. If I can’t sell it then I can’t make money. If I can’t make money I can’t get you the exposure you want. All you have to do is follow the three P’s and we all win. I make money and you get your name out there. Which brings me to my next point.
We are taking away all personal mastheads on articles. We want every piece on BuzzBeast to be attributed to me. It’s good for our brand and ultimately it will be good for you. You know that you wrote something for BuzzBeast, isn’t that good enough? Why do we have to plaster your name all over the article. Don’t you want to help our brand which in turn helps you? People will figure out that the stuff you posted, I promise someone will figure that out. We need team players. Remember when no one wanted your stuff? Who came to you? Dan The Man did. So trust me and let me build the best BuzzBeast I can. A strong brand is good for us. You are lucky we post anything of yours at all.
Shape up and stop your winning or the next message you get from me will be a TOP TEN PLACES TO GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Dear 24 Hour Fitness,
I am writing you to cancel my membership. I tried to cancel in person and could not do it. I tried to cancel over the phone and could not do it. So I fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck had to write a letter to cancel my membership. You see I am canceling my membership because balls, dirty dirty balls, I have a disability that has made working out rather uncomfortable. You see titties, big old stretched marked national geographic titties I am suffering from a very extreme form of tourettes and it makes being in public trying at times.
I try to go out of twat twat twat Mary Poppin’s hairy twat to avoid situations where I know my affliction will cause a problem. I try not to head out in crowded places during peak times. I avoid Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Hamlin being in places when I know children are going to be around. I try to avoid places that I know will cause me stress. My doctor recommended I work out to help alleviate some the anxiety I have in relation to my Downton Abbey Downton Abbey Downton Abbey Downton Abbey disease.
To that end I made sure to work out later in the evening but your gym is surprisingly packed at 2AM in the morning. When my pulse rises as it does during vigorous exercise my tourettes has a tendency to present itself. I was asked by ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup members of your staff to stop yelling while I worked out. I had a letter from my doctor explaining my situation and that I should be treated with the same care and respect that you would treat a retard (that was not my tourettes, I don’t believe in using politically correct terms like handicapped). After multiple outbursts I was asked to leave the gym. Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks. I just want to work out as per my doctors orders.
However it seems that your gym is not the sort of place that welcomes people with a disability. I guess I will have to go work out at the sort of place that welcomes the kind of people that society shuns, I speak of course of the YMCA. Pillow Fort Pillow Fort Pillow Fort Pillow Fort. It’s a common misconception that people with touretttes only swear. It can often be just a phrase or a word that gets repeated over and over again and again and again and again and again and again and again. PICKLES. Sometimes it can just be a single word that is shouted out. PICKLES.
The real issue that I had wasn’t that I was asked to leave your gym but that I was forced to write a letter to you in order to have my membership cancelled. Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids. It just seems that I should be able to cancel my membership over the phone. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a letter. To be frank I wasn’t even sure that the post office even existed anymore. I thought about using Stamps.com have you guys heard about that one? I listen to a lot of podcasts. My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy everyone look at my sister’s pussy.
So I would just like to put this whole incident behind us. Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass. So I would like to not only cancel my membership but also have my money refunded. I hope that you can understand my problem and I can get my membership canceled before the next cock cock cock cock cock cock cock billing cycle. And before you ask, yes tourettes can present itself in a written form.
All The bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole Best,
Do I have to buy pillow girlfriend an extra ticket?
Dear Eric Van Garden,
Good day. We are writing you this letter because according to our internal tracking you are the last person in America watching NBC. It’s shocking I know but we spoke to the Nielson people and it seems that you are the last person that they can prove watches NBC. We here at the network are reaching out to you for a very simple reason. What the heck would you like to watch?
In the last ten years the ratings at NBC have dropped faster than my wife’s panties at our last Christmas party when she snuck off with that bastard Matt Lauer. Somehow we have went from having “Must See TV” to “The Channel Eric and Only Eric Watches.” Some people at the network think you must have died while watching The Voice sometime in November. So if you could write us back or call the switchboard at 30 Rock that would be huge. I would hate to tailor a network to some dead person rotting away on a couch, although that does seem to work well for CBS. How do you feel about procedurals? It’s worth a shot. The only other viewer we have had the last few months was a prison in Missouri that left us on. A local judge declared this cruel and unusual so we are down to you Eric.
Here’s the thing. We clearly have no idea what kind of television America wants to see so I suggested that we start with one man. We start with the one guy (as long as you haven’t been dead for the last few months) who has stuck with us. First thing we would like to do is offer you the chance to pick however many programs from our back catalog to show on what we are calling “Throwback Thursdays.” There is absolutely no way we could compete with what CBS is showing on Thursdays so we thought that maybe we just show the best stuff from our past. May I suggest a Cheers, Seinfeld, Fraiser, Newsradio, and ER night? Shit. How about 4 hours of Nightcourt. Wings? Look do what you want? We just want to make you happy.
Now what kind of shows do you want to see in development? Currently we have several different reality shows that you could pick from. There is the one where a group of students fight each other for the right to have their student loans paid off. Another involves F list celebrities trying to travel across America in hot air balloons with midgets that look just like them. My personal favorite is a show where people see who can put their arm the furthest into a wood chipper. It’s pretty exciting stuff. You pick the show and we will put it on the air.
Would you care if we filmed you doing stuff? Would you watch that? Think of the money you would save on mirrors. You want to know how you look? Turn on NBC and there you are. Do you think maybe some of your relatives would watch if we put you on TV? If we can just get one more person to watch we have doubled our viewership. You don’t even have to do interesting stuff. We just need programming. Do you have a second TV? Like in a spare room or something? If you could turn that to NBC that would be huge. Every little bit helps.
Look Eric. Whatever you want we are more than happy to do. You want us to just pirate CBS’s signal and show that? We’ll do it. You want us to show reruns of Strawberry Shortcake? We’ll do it. Short of showing “Triumph of the Will” and “Salo” on a 24 hour loop we are all yours. All Eric TV all the time. So first thing is first. Give us a call and let us know that you aren’t dead.
N B C Ya,
Head of NBC Programming
An Hour With Your Ex Episode 63: Glengarry Glen Ross Podcast -
We watched Glengarry Glen Ross and yell about it for a little bit. Then we both read from our version of a David Mamet scene. Lots of swearing if that’s your thing.