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A Letter from Allen at the NSA to Tom and Sarah re: Your Divorce

Dear Sarah and Tom,

You don’t know me. My name is Allen Harrison. I work for the National Security Agency. I am sure you heard recently that we have been collecting data and listening in on phone calls of every single person in America. I figured with the whole operation being exposed it wouldn’t be a big deal if I reached out. It’s just I have been listening to you your calls, reading your emails, and seeing all of your photos for the last eight years. I really feel like I know you and that’s why I had to write you. Sarah, Tom, please don’t get a divorce. You two have been through too much to just call it quits.

I know it’s hard coming from someone else but one of the first calls I ever listened to was when Tom called you Sarah and asked you out on your first date. I was there when he texted his brother Tim and said that he had just taken the most beautiful girl in the world to “The Olive Garden.” Sarah, I heard every single message you left on Tom’s answering machine even though you kept erasing them trying to record the “perfect” message. You were so nervous. I listened in on the call when Tom called Sarah’s dad asking him if he could marry you? He was so nervous. You guys never knew it but I got you that upgrade at the hotel in Wisconsin the weekend when Tom was going to propose. What’s the point of absolute power if you can’t get people a room with a view and a whirlpool from time to time?

Being married has been hard for you two. When Tom lost his job two years ago I was as sad as you were Sarah. When you lost the baby last summer? I cried for a week. Sarah, I think you exaggerate in the emails to your sister sometimes. It’s not like you NEVER have sex. You just have it once a month which is pretty common for a couple in their 30’s. I listen to a lot of couples that have less sex than that. The Obama’s only do it on their Anniversary and after The State of the Union (we listen to everyone if that makes you feel better). Your neighbors The Gundersons’ haven’t touched each other in two years. Dale Gunderson waits till his wife is asleep and then jacks off to weird Thai snuff porn. Really vile stuff. The porn Tom watches is pretty benign compared to that. He does like the BBW’s, which I why I never understood why he complained to his dad last month about your weight gain Sarah.

Think back to the days when you used to AIM each other cute little emotions while you were at work. The texts you sent when you both got iPhones for the first time. What happened to the couple that used to talk dirty to each other while they were both away on business? No one can talk dirty like Sarah and I would know. 35% of all the phone conversations we record are mostly just dirty talk between bored suburban couples. Sarah, I know you told your mom that Tom is cheating on you. But he isn’t. He did get a handjob from a Thai masseuses when he was on a business trip in Vancouver. But he stopped before he came and then started crying. I can send you the tape if you need proof. He loves you so much he couldn’t come when he was paying for it, that has to mean something.

I have heard so many people fight and break up over my last seven years at the NSA. Most of the time it’s for the best. But not you two. Tom and Sarah were great once and I know you can be great again. If you need the number of a good marriage counselor I have a few that I am monitoring because the FBI thinks they may be communists. I would be more than happy to let you listen to a few of their sessions before you make a decision about which one is right for you. I really feel like I am a part of your lives and I would hate to have us split up.

All The Best,

Allen Harrison

Mark Colomb

The NSA Ain’t All Bad